* Monday, November 30, 2009
@12:03 AM
Speechless.
To be honest, I was expecting it to be today. I mean after that night of texting back and forth, with my last 7-page text of telling him EVERYTHING I've felt about his girlfriend, I knew he was gonna talk to me about that today. Well what happened was, she showed up at work I give her this look, TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT, and she pretends to like me, yaddayaddaya. But the day goes on pretty well, stayed with me till my shift was done and drove me home. Along the way home is when the conversation began.. We pretty much tried to fix up any misunderstandings and any miscommunications we may have had with one another, which was good for both of us.. Until I asked him the question why we had to stop being friends, ever since he got that new girlfriend of his. His answer: I liked him..and the line between friend and someone who wants something more is constantly screaming at him everytime we're together. DAMN, I have never regretted anything in my life more than having told him I liked him. If I didn't he wouldn't have to question us all the time.. When he asked for my opinion and final thoughts on things, honestly, I was lost for words. I didn't know what to say, I just looked at him and constantly said I was fine. Either I was trying to prove it to him or even prove it to myself, but we both knew that wasn't true. It was weird I mean I didn't really care for him as much as I thought I would have, but I'm not completely done with him as well. All I know is tonight's talk was very bittersweet. I have to let go of him, and move on to bigger and better things in life, reasons for why we DIDN'T work, but after all of that even with the stuff going on between us, I still want my best guyfriend back.
0Mm, cmt?!
* Saturday, October 24, 2009
@1:48 AM
Done.
Honestly, based on how I've been feeling these past couple of days its as if I wouldn't be able to grow from all the shit that was happening. Right now, for this past few days I've been literally at the library just doing my homework and trying to focus on school. I've been seriously going through so many problems with my studies, that I've even been thinking of switching my major and dropping SHSM just so I can get into that business program at Ryerson. Fuck that, lol .. honestly, I know now that if you really want something in life, you just can't go and give it all up just when things get hard. Small lesson that basically killed two birds with one stone, haha. I mean if you think about it, that advice pretty much says it all .. When things get hard in life, I shouldn't just go and drop it and think that I can't get back at top just cause everything is going so bad. Honestly, I see now at how much stronger I can be, and at the fact that even though I've been going through a lot these past few months, I really did become a stronger person because of it all. I mean I'm even surprised at myself that I haven't broken down as much as I thought I would have. I have been able to see the friends that disappeared on me during my worst times, and those that stepped it up.For those that went all MIA on me, you know who you are, and you and I know that the reason for your MIAness is pretty much why all this shit is happening, but honestly, GROW THE FUCK UP. Like really, how old are you and you're gonna go and be a hypocrite by giving some really great advice to someone and when it comes to you being in the position of where you're pretty much that person, your gonna go back on your word. Tell me, what does that say about you? I'm not gonna hate on you, I've been hiding that hate for the past few months already, and honestly, I'm not gonna give you another minute or even second of MY time to even think about your bullshit, because you are no longer an importance in my life. I no longer care on hating you, and don't get me wrong that doesn't mean I want to see you dead, lol .. No, not at all, cause see with me I can learn to be mature and act my age, .. but all I'm saying is I no longer want to hate you, but on the same note I no longer care for you. I'm done with wasting all my energy on something that obviously isn't an issue you even care about, so why should I keep on pushing it? You said it yourself, "you can't please everyone" or that time you said "if they don't want to put in the effort, then rachel don't waste your time on people like that" .. and because I'm not LIKE YOU I'm actually going to take that advice. I'm done with it all. Fuck you and your bullshit.
1Mm, cmt?!
* Sunday, October 11, 2009
@8:20 PM
Truth.
I came across this one note on facebook and I find so much truth in it. I didn't actually see it from this perspective until I was looking at my screen and the words were screaming in my face.
"When you love someone, give all the love you can offer. Remember, it's better to be the one fooled than to be the one fooling around. At least in the end, you know that you're true when you said I LOVE YOU. Watching someone walk out of your life shouldn't make you cynical or bitter about love. Rather, it should make you wonder, if you so much wanted to be with the wrong one, how wonderful it would be when the right one comes."
I guess that quote, "truth in time tells all" is right. I shouldn't be cynical or bitter. I have to be happy right? I mean I told him I was. I told him I would be supportive and be the good friend he knows me out to be. But why is it so hard? Why do I feel like everything is closing in on me whenever I hear the sound of their names. That couple. First off, I don't even think she's sane. Not to go all out there and expose, but tbh I feel like he's becoming immature and oblivious to the truth and what is around him. As far as things go right now. My cousin is right, I gotta stay focused on what's NOW, and good things WILL come in due time.
0Mm, cmt?!
* Saturday, September 26, 2009
@12:15 PM
Lost.
I am definitely at lost for words right now. Ever since I found out things have not been the same. First of all, he didn't even have the balls to fucken tell me the truth himself, I had to find out over stupid facebook on HER relationship status. Even when I confronted him about he, he has to go and tell me I would have found out if I chilled with him one-on-one, wtheck HELLO?! THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED A PHONE! Frigg, I hate life right now. I'm so bitter about things and I'm afraid I'm gonna continue to be bitter. I feel like ever since it has happened nothing feels the same or right anymore. School is getting worse by the minute, and honestly I'm hating on my parents, because I feel like ever since they took my phone from me they started this whole thing.. Someone said to me that I will be mad at the girl, because you always "hate" the girl, but to be honest it's not that I'm mad at her because she has him or because she won .. I'm mad at her, because she got to tell him that she likes him. Me, on the other hand .. He doesn't even know. He's so oblivious and clueless to the whole situation, that he did not at once click in. Now, he has a girlfriend and my whole life seems to be turned upside down.. I wish he just knew. I wish I could take it back to when I was given a chance to be that girl for him, but I guess he'll just never know..
"The love that hurts the most is the love that is never returned."
"What hurts the most, is to know the one you love is in love with someone else."
1Mm, cmt?!
* Wednesday, September 2, 2009
@3:01 PM
BIRTHDAY GIRL.
So today was my 17th birthday and I felt the need to update my blogspot and what better way or even day to reaccount then my birthday? Kk, well this year I had no plans and didn't even plan on celebrating it. All I pretty much wanted to do was stay home, curl up in a ball and sleep .. kinda emo but I mean then again from what I've been going through this summer, some of you may just understand. But anyways, the first person to greet me was of course the best guyfriend who purposely wanted me to call him 5 mins before seeing as he was too scared to call my house, haha .. then he said he would take me out at around 7ish, but when I woke up my parents wanted to take me out to dinner but I said I was going out .. they kinda got mad at me, or more disappointed I think because I flopped on them and chose my friends over them -.- .. urgh, then the Gfriend took me out to surprise lunch with Danny (father) with a surprise attendance of Tom Lee, hehe :) .. lunch was great and everything was fine, until I find out that the Gfriend was leaving me and picking me up late because he had to go on his date with the new girl -.- FML. ON MY BIRTHDAY?! Woow, but whatever .. I'm being the supportive and happy friend for him, urgh! So I went home and took a nap, sleep off my anger (Y) .. then at around 7 I thought I'd give him a call, nope no response. So I called another 2 times, and NOTHING. At 9 is when he called me.. 2 FRIGGEN HOURS!? He asked me if I was upset and of course I lied, I mean ON MY FRIGGEN BIRTHDAY?! I never once asked you to chill with me on HER birthday, yet you go on a FRIGGEN date with her and make me wait another 2 hours?! WTF?! Sad thing is I could have gone out to dinner with my parents, been a good daughter and went out with fam rather than wait for a guy who was on a date -.- I think that's what made the night more worse for me, is finding out that and yet picking him over my family.. NEVER AGAIN! Like yeah we still went out, and I had fun and all I mean it was like I was one of the guys on my birthday, cause that night I spent it with the guys as a guy. Some of the guys worked out, while a few of them played video games with me like father and Tom. Daniel was playing with the PSP, which btw I want to get one :) hehe .. then I wanted to eat but meh, it was alright. The one thing that would have made my night better was if I at least got to make a birthday wish, something that I never even got to do .. I had fun though no doubt, I just wish maybe, just maybe guys weren't THAT clueless.
1Mm, cmt?!
* Monday, June 22, 2009
@8:22 PM
Dunnnzo.
FINALLY, SCHOOL'S DONE! Frigggg, you don't even know how long I've been waiting for this time to come! I swear it seemed like this whole year took to long just to end, yet it's a year to remember. This year has been filled with many changes, and there's always that one year it takes one person to change, and I honestly think that this was the year for me. Academically, I've been officially scarred for life based on the results of today's exams -.- fml. I AM DEFINITELY going to school next week to pick up my report card personally before my parents get it in the mail. Hmm, well this last week has been a rollercoaster ENOUGH. Letting go has always been a huge weakness that I have, I have this problem with letting people in my life, and then somehow having a hard time to let go of them. And this week has been that week for me where I just had to realize things had to change just because. I couldn't hold on to something that wasn't there anymore, and I had to deal with what's going on NOW, rather than think that the past can always stay the same. However, on a better note things are getting better for me, I'm learning to let things be the way they need to be, and let things settle, gather my thoughts, and let people have their own space before I bombard them with my own feelings. I always think that it's better to clear your own thoughts and know that your ready to face that person before you talk to them, because in the end if you still have those lingering feelings when you do talk to them that fire of hope will start to ignite in your heart again. YOU BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME (8) .. oooh Craig David ;) LOL. Sorry, it just got my attention when he said that. ANYWAYS, friggg first official day of summer was yesterday, BUUTTTT we can say it's today too cause it's the day I'm basically DONE school! YAY =] SUMMER TINGZ on the real. I'm actually very excited for my summer. I think it's just about to get better then what it is now. If I've learned one lesson during this school year it's that; people come and go, and your friends may say that 'they'll always be there for you', but in the end when you think about it, will they really? Will they really be there through thick and thin? That question is up to us to answer. But from what I do know it's that, yes I do believe that they will be there for you when times get rough, but that doesn't mean they'll stick to you. That doesn't mean they won't leave, some people leave even when the worst has hit and yet you expect THEM to be there for you, yet they became more of a disappointment to you when they turned their backs, but it made me grow as a person. It made me see that even though we will have friends like that, I have to look at myself and realize that 'you know what my friends will be there for me, and I do trust in that, but in the end of the day, I'm me.' I'm my own person and I know that I don't need others to stand on my own two feet. I have to grow as a person and be independent, because in the end we are all our own superhero. We will always have that other person who we look for as a guidance/backbone, but in the end it all comes down to US.
0Mm, cmt?!
* Tuesday, June 16, 2009
@2:17 PM
BEEN A WHILE.
It's been a while since I've written and exposed myself on this damn blog, and I do have a few things to get off my chest so I guess it's time .. Well this month went by pretty quickly with all these exam preps & CPTs that teachers have been throwing at us, but it's pretty good still it means that school's ending and just the thought of it makes me want it even more. I can't wait till next year knowing that it will be my last year makes me excited! I just can't wait to graduate, leave this shithole, and finally move on with my life .. kinda hoping for a new fresh start. Well, these past couple days have been pretty stressful with school especially, and just the fact that I'm slowly realizing now what's really important to me and what I really need in life. I've begun to realize and slowly understand that not everyone can remain in your life, and sometimes the best thing to do is just let people go. It's hard, especially when you it hits you that the one you would think would always be there for you for support and be there as pretty much your bestfriend you have to just let them do their own thing. I just really hate the fact that age is a huge factor in many things, it limits you to do all the things you want to do and people look down upon you because they think that because your younger you're not smart enough to know the real world. Well fuck it, because people don't know half the shit that I've been through to know that I've been through a lot, and because of the shit I've had to go through I've learned through my own mistakes and my own experiences. I hate people who think they know me just based on what their physical impression is of me, rather to take the time and understand me. I honestly believe in the saying, "people always leave" but it's something that I have to learn to accept, and that's become a real battle for me, because I'm the type of person who wants to stick with those that have been there for me since time. It's hard because you begin to go through a spiral of events and you see that you don't have anyone there for you. No support, no one to turn to and you feel like your heart is just closing in and you feel this pain that no one can really take away from you, no matter how hard they try. Exams are this week and it's just hard having to deal with all of this knowing I need to put my focus on school at the moment, but .. I guess that's just what it is. But in the end I guess people never really knew me. They saw me for something that I wasn't, and believed what they wanted to believe of me. In the end, one person said to me, "you can be the nicest person in the world, but in the end someone may still not like you. You can't please everyone" .. I guess he was right. "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - MARIA ROBINSON
0Mm, cmt?!
